Author: Bridget McCrea
William and Lynn Dochnahl
had already battled two rounds of cancer under their Pendleton,
Oregon, roof when, in August 2010, the shocking news came:
William had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. How can it
possibly be? the couple thought to themselves. How could we both
have gotten cancer?
After shaking off their disbelief, the Dochnahls got down to
business. Initially diagnosed with breast cancer in 1981, and again
in 2002, Lynn, who is now 64, tapped her own knowledge bank
and energy reserves to help William, 69, with his diagnosis and
treatment and the subsequent side effects.
“I really wasn’t expecting anything like this to happen again in
the family,” says Lynn, who helped her husband select a treatment
center and prepped him on what to expect from the experience.
She also helped William research the disease itself, and together
they learned everything they possibly could about prostate cancer.
“Getting diagnosed was a shock, but Lynn was a great supporter who knew a lot about what I was about to go through,”
says William. “She had already experienced the cancer treatment
process and knew what to expect from doctors and caregivers.”
Married since 1972, the pair worked together to tackle the challenges
of William’s cancer, while continuing to manage Lynn’s
ongoing breast cancer treatment, a scenario that forced the couple
to focus their combined efforts on thwarting the disease.
As a result of his own diagnosis, William now has firsthand
knowledge of how tiring and overwhelming cancer and its treatment
can be, and has stepped up to the plate to help his wife
cope. He now feels he is able to discuss the disease more intelligently
and less emotionally. “You really can’t know what the
other person is going through unless you’ve dealt with it yourself,”
he says. “Only then can you know exactly what challenges
she faces.”
Lynn, who works part-time as a kindergarten paraeducator,
says balancing her everyday life with the side effects of treatment often leaves her completely spent by the end of the
day. “Sometimes I just come home and collapse,” says Lynn,
who has undergone chemotherapy treatments for years, while
continuing to work. “Bill has been a wonderful caregiver.”
Part of that caregiver role involves helping Lynn drain her
lung every three days so that she can breathe normally. At first
William doubted his ability to take on such a daunting task,
but he has become more confident in his abilities over time.
“Whatever it takes, I’ll do it,” he says. “I know that working
together as a team only strengthens our relationship and makes
us both stronger.” Appropriately, the couples’ favorite song is
“The Wind Beneath My Wings,” which, William says, “defines
what it has taken for us to grow together over the nearly 40 years
of our marriage and reminds us of what it will take for us to fly
above our struggles moving forward.”
William says the fact that he’s been in the patient role helps
him appreciate Lynn’s challenges and the effort she puts into
overcoming them. “I look at her condition and her strength in a
much more meaningful way now that I’ve been through the ordeal
myself,” he says. “That allows me to be an even more effective and
understanding caregiver.”
The couple’s unified commitment to overcoming cancer and
enjoying life extends to the outside world, where the pair shares the
same treatment clinic, enjoys the outdoors, takes part in community
activities, and volunteers for various organizations. “Instead
of walking around thinking, Why us? we’ve decided to help out
others who aren’t as blessed as we are,” says William. “When you
volunteer, you get exposed to other peoples’ challenges, and it
makes you more empathetic to the needs and plights of others.”
Together for 40 years and going strong, the Dochnahls say that
having cancer has helped them see the other person in a different
light. “Lynn is my wife and friend, and now she is my patient,”
says William. “Being both a caregiver and a spouse to her has only
strengthened our relationship.”
Coping together
The physical, emotional, and logistical
impacts of handling two cases of cancer
under one roof can be overwhelming for
even the most solid, time-tested relationships.
As the Dochnahls learned, however,
the hurdles can help solidify a marriage in
ways that a counselor couldn’t match.
Katherine Puckett, PhD, LCSW, MSW,
MS, national director of mind-body
medicine at Cancer Treatment Centers
of America®, says that several factors affect
a couple’s ability to manage in such
situations: their ages, the length of their
relationship, their stage of life (Are there
young children at home? Are they empty
nesters?), and how sick or well each patient
is (Is it a minor case? Is it stage IV?).
The strength of the family’s existing
support structure is also important,
says Dr. Puckett. Lending physical and
emotional support can go a long way to
help, but that’s not always feasible when
you are sick, too. “In most cases the other
person will provide support, but if he
or she is also in treatment, you have to
become each other’s support,” she says.
“That’s not always easy.”
Family members, neighbors, coworkers,
and other individuals who are
aware of the situation and likely to lend
a hand can help fill that gap. “This may
be a time to put your pride and privacy
aside for a while and ask for help,” says
Puckett, who suggests to couples that
they consider offloading day-to-day
tasks like grocery shopping, gift buying,
and child care to individuals who want
to help. “It can be hard to ask for help at
first, but it gets easier with practice.”
Taking time together to engage in activities
that reduce stress can also help patients solidify their bonds and support
one another. A short walk through the
park, a meditation session, or a half hour
of listening to music can help couples
“get connected and enjoy some time together,”
says Dr. Puckett.
The Dochnahls say that tackling one
issue at a time and not letting the “big
picture” overwhelm them have been viable
coping techniques through their various
cancer diagnoses and treatments.
They also say that honesty and sharing
have been their best policies by far.
“Some people don’t want to talk about
their challenges,” says William, “but the
fact that we have cancer in common has
pushed us to open up to one another and
has moved us closer together.”